上篇 秀外晦中

1.A Careless Barber

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in？

Customer: No.

Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.

粗心的理發(fā)師

理發(fā)師：你進(jìn)來時是不是系著紅圍巾？

顧客：沒有呀。

理發(fā)師：噢，那我肯定弄破了你的喉嚨。

2.Qualification

"What makes you think you'.e qualified to be a night watchman."asked the personnel director.

"Well, for one thing,"replied the job applicant."I'.a real light sleeper."

稱職

一位人事經(jīng)理問一位求職者：“你怎么就覺得你能勝任值夜班的工作。”

求職者說：“噢，有一點我敢肯定，我睡覺很。”

3.Helping to Clean the Dishes

Just after the maid had been fired, she took ten bucks from her purse and threw it to Bingo, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered."I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time."

幫助洗碗

女傭被解雇后，她從錢包里拿出十美元，扔給賓果——這家的狗。

當(dāng)她的前雇主問她為什么這樣做的時候，她回答：“我不會忘記朋友的，這是給它的報酬，謝謝它一直以來幫我洗。”

4.Not Fair

A: Mr. Tom died yesterday. Are you going to attend his funeral？

B: No, of course not!

A: Why not？ I thought you were friends.

B: It wouldn't be fair if I did.

A: Not fair？ What do you mean？

B: If I attend his funeral, would he be able to attend mine？

不公平

甲：“湯姆先生昨天去世了。你去參加他的葬禮。”

乙：“不去，當(dāng)然不。”

甲：“為什么不去？我還以為你們是好朋友。”

乙：“我要是去，那會不公。”

甲：“不公平？你這話什么意。”

乙：“我要是參加了他的葬禮，他能參加我的葬禮。”

5.One Egg Less

Everything about country customs delighted my neighbors, who had moved to our small town from the city. Then one day they spotted a sign."Fresh Eggs for Sale."at a roadside stand where payment was on the honor system."Why can't everyone be this trusting."They said at they put their money in a box and took a carton. When they got home and opened it, they found 11 eggs.

少了一個

我的鄰居剛從城里搬來我們這個小鎮(zhèn)，一切有關(guān)農(nóng)村習(xí)俗的事情都讓他們感到很高興。后來有一天，他們發(fā)現(xiàn)路邊小攤的一塊牌子上寫著“出售新鮮。”，是用那種傳統(tǒng)的售貨方式，旁邊并沒人收錢。“為什么不是每個人都這樣信任別人。”說著，就把錢放進(jìn)一個盒子里，拿走了一打雞蛋。他們回到家打開盒子，卻只看見十一個雞蛋。

6.The Dog Doesn't Bite

One early morning, an old lady was strolling through the park when she saw James with a dog.

"Does your dog bite."she asked.

"No."said James.

When the old lady tried to pet the dog, it almost bit her fingers off.

"You said your dog doesn't bite."screamed the old lady with blood dripping from her hand.

"That'.all right."answered James."My dog doesn't bite, but that'.not my dog."

不咬人的狗

一天清晨，一位老太太正在公園里溜達(dá)，突然瞧見詹姆斯和一條狗在一起。

老太太問：“你的狗咬人。”

詹姆斯說：“不咬。”

當(dāng)老太太伸出手去摸那條狗時，它卻差點兒咬掉她的手指。

“你剛才不是說你的狗不咬人。”老太太尖聲叫道，血從她的手指上滴了下來。

詹姆斯回答說：“我說得沒錯啊，我的狗真不咬人，可這條狗不是我。”

7.Nine Bouquets of Flowers

A couple of extras in the play were talking backstage at the end of the performance."What'.the matter with our leading lady."one actress asked."She seems really mad about something."

"Oh, she'.upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlights."the other woman then answered.

"Nine."exclaimed the first actress,"That'.pretty good, isn't it."

"Yes,"her friend replied."but she paid for ten."

九束鮮花

兩個臨時演員演出結(jié)束后在后臺聊天。“我們的女主角怎么。”一個女演員問，“她看起來像是為什么事發(fā)瘋似。”

“噢，她之所以心煩意亂，是因為她謝幕時只收到九束鮮。”另一個女人答道。

“九。”第一個女演員驚叫道，“那相當(dāng)不錯了，不是。”

“是。”她的朋友回答說，“但她付的是十束鮮花的。”

8.Out of Luck

The man in the jail asked a newcomer why he was imprisoned there.

The newcomer replied."I think I was out of luck. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of rope. I thought no one wanted it, so I picked it up and took it home."

"But it was not against the law."

"I told you I was out of luck, didn't I."the man sighed."The trouble was that I didn't notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope."

運氣不好

牢房里，一個人問新來的犯人為什么被關(guān)在那里。

新來的犯人回答說：“我想我是運氣不好。幾天前，我正在街上走時，看到一截繩子，以為沒有人要，就拾起來，帶回了。”

“可這不違法。”

“我告訴過你我運氣不好，對。”那個人嘆道，“問題是我沒有注意到繩子那頭還有一頭。”

9.Old Age Eyesight

The old man Sam was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam."Did you see my client commit this burglary."

"Yes,"says Sam."I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again."Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime."

"Yes,"says Sam."I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam."Sam listen, you are 70 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night."

Sam says."I can see the moon, how far is that."

老年人的視力

老人薩姆是一起入室搶劫案件的目擊證人。辯護(hù)律師問薩姆：“你看到我的當(dāng)事人犯案了。”

“是。”薩姆說，“我清楚地看見他拿走了那些東。”

律師再問薩姆：“薩姆，案件發(fā)生在晚上，你確定你看到我的當(dāng)事人犯案了。”

“是。”薩姆說，“我看見他作案。”

然后律師問薩姆：“薩姆，你聽好，你已經(jīng)七十歲了，你的視力很可能不好。在晚上你能看到多遠(yuǎn)。”

薩姆說：“我可以看見月亮，那有多。”

10.Death in the Family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend, he comments."You look terrible. What'.the problem."

"My mother died in June,"he said."and left me ＄10, 000."

"Gee, that'.tough."he replied.

"Then in July,"the friend continued."my father died, leaving me ＄50, 000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you'.e depressed."

"And last month, my aunt died, and left me ＄15, 000."

"Three close family members lost in three months？ How sad."

"Then this month,"continued the friend."nothing."

家庭中的死亡

在酒吧，一個男人看見他的朋友坐在桌邊獨自喝酒。

他走到朋友身邊說：“你看起來很糟糕。出了什么。”

“我母親在六月去世。”他說，“留給我一萬美。”

“呃，這可真糟。”他回應(yīng)著。

“然后七月的時。”朋友繼續(xù)說，“我父親死了，留給我五萬美。”

“哇，兩個月內(nèi)雙親相繼死去，難怪你這么悲。”

“上個月我姑媽過世了，留給我一萬五千美。”

“在三個月內(nèi)失去三個親近的家人？真悲。”

“然后在這個。”朋友繼續(xù)道，“什么都沒。”

11.Take off Cap

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

"Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that."his friend says.

"Well,"Harry replies."I was married to her for 40 years, it was the least I could do."

摘帽

一天，兩個男人在玩高爾夫球。正當(dāng)他們準(zhǔn)備開始打一個洞時，一個葬禮隊伍從路邊經(jīng)過。其中一個叫哈利的男人摘下了他的帽子，并將帽子放在胸前。站著等行進(jìn)的隊伍走過，接著他又戴上了他的帽子，開始發(fā)球。

“哈利，你做了一個非常好的手勢，你這樣做很體貼和恭。”他的朋友說。

“。”哈利回答，“我和她結(jié)婚四十年，這是我最后能做的。”

12.Very Busy

An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick."I have to see a doctor."he told a local."How can I be sure of getting a good one."

"It'.easy."was the reply."Every time a doctor loses a patient,it'.our law that he must f ly a balloon above his office."

So the American began his search. One doctor f lew twenty balloons, another thirty. Finally the American found an office that was flying only eight, and went in.

"You'.l have to wait,"the doctor told him."for someone who only started practice yesterday, I'.e been very busy."

太忙

一名美國人在游覽南美洲一個偏僻地區(qū)時病了。“我得去看醫(yī)。”他對一個當(dāng)?shù)厝苏f，“怎樣才能確保找到一位好醫(yī)生。”

對方回答說：“這很容易。我們的法律規(guī)定，醫(yī)生每醫(yī)死一個病人，就得在診所上方升起一只氣。”

于是，這個美國人就開始四處尋找。一家診所上懸著二十只氣球，另一家懸著三十只。最后，他發(fā)現(xiàn)一家只懸著八只氣球，就走了進(jìn)去。

“你得。”醫(yī)生對他說，“我昨天才開業(yè)，一直很。”

13.Doggie Funeral

This rich man died and left in his will that when his dog died he was to have a funeral, and who ever did the funeral would get a million dollars.

When the dog died, the executor started asking various faiths of the cloth if they would do the funeral. All refused. Finally, he asked this old country preacher if he would do the funeral."Why brother—I don't do dogs funerals."

"OK."the executor replied."But the one who does this funeral gets a fat two million dollars."The preacher replied."Now, wait a minute—you didn't tell me this dog was a Christian."

狗的葬禮

富翁去世了，在他的遺囑中表示，他的狗死之后需要舉辦一場葬禮，操辦這場葬禮的人將會得到一百萬美金。

那只狗死后，遺囑執(zhí)行人詢問了各個教派的教士是否愿意舉辦這場葬禮。所有人都拒絕了。最后，他問城中一位老布道者是否愿意舉辦。“兄弟——我可不會為狗舉辦葬。”

“好。”執(zhí)行人回道，“但是舉辦葬禮的人將會得到兩百萬美金的厚禮。”

布道者一聽馬上說：“等一下——你可沒告訴我這只狗原來是個天主教徒。”

14.What the Problem Is

One of my fellow midshipmen at the U. S. Naval Academy was performing poorly in class and reported to his company officer for counseling."Your marks are deplorable."the officer scolded."Is there a problem that has kept you from studies."

"No, sir."the midshipman replied."I have no idea what the problem is. I study the notes I take, and I'.never late to class. I don't even talk in class, but for some reason my professors don't seem to like me."

The officer sat back and thought. Then he asked."Do you get enough sleep."

My classmate replied."Sir, do you mean at night or in class."

問題所在

我有個美國海軍學(xué)院候補軍官同伴，學(xué)業(yè)很差。他到尉官那里進(jìn)行咨詢。“你的分?jǐn)?shù)糟透。”尉官責(zé)備說，“有什么問題阻礙你學(xué)習(xí)。”

“沒有，先。”候補軍官回答說，“我搞不清是什么問題。我攻讀自己記的筆記，上課從不遲到，甚至上課也不說話，但教授們好像就是不喜歡。”

軍官向后一靠，想了想，然后問道：“你睡眠充足。”

我的同學(xué)回答說：“先生，你是說夜里還是課堂。”

15.An Englishman

Once late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he asked. The Englishman reentered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water. Every few minutes the Englishman would come out of his room and repeat his request.

After a half‐hour, the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.

"Nothing."the Englishman answered imperturbably."It'.simply that my room is on fire."

一個英國人

一天晚上，一個英國人從他住的旅店房間里走出來，來到走廊上，叫旅店的服務(wù)員給他拿一杯水來。服務(wù)員按他的要求做了。英國人回到了他的房間里，幾分鐘后他又來到走廊上，讓服務(wù)員再給他送一杯水。服務(wù)員又給他送了一杯水。每隔幾分鐘，英國人就走出房間重復(fù)他的要求。

半小時之后，這位感到驚訝的服務(wù)員決定問問房客要這些水干什么，英國人不慌不忙地回答：“沒什么，只不過是我的房間里起火。”

16.The Patient Suffered a Severe Relapse

The patient was convalescing after an operation for appendicitis. His friend asked him how he was getting along.

"Pretty well."was the answer."After my first operation, they had to cut me open again. It seems the surgeon hand left a sponge in me and they had to get that out."

"But you got over that all right."

"Oh, yes, only I had another operation yesterday. They found a scalpel which had been sewed up in me by mistake."

"Surely you are all right now, though."the friend said encouraginly.

But the patient suffered a severe relapse, for just then the doctor hurried thorough the ward saying."Has anyone seen my hat around here？ I left it somewhere yesterday."

病情再度惡化

一位病人正在闌尾炎手術(shù)的康復(fù)過程中，他的朋友問他康復(fù)得怎么樣。

“非常不。”他回答說，“第一次手術(shù)過后，他們又給我開了一刀，好像是醫(yī)生把海綿落在我的身體里了，他必須把它取出。”

“但是你恢復(fù)得不錯。”

“哦，是的，只是我昨天做了另一個手術(shù)，他們發(fā)現(xiàn)一個手術(shù)刀被誤縫在我的身體里。”

“但是你確實恢復(fù)得很。”這位朋友鼓勵道。

但是這個病人的病情再度惡化了，過了一會兒，醫(yī)生急匆匆走進(jìn)病房說：“有誰看到我的帽子了？我昨天不知道把它落在哪里。”

17.Making All the People Happy

Due to a mix‐up on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a ＄1000 bill and says."I'.going to throw this ＄1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy."

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped ＄1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying."Look, I just made two people really happy."

Not even noticing Britney'.stupid move, Christina bragged,"Look, I'.going to throw 1000 ＄1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier."

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can't stand it anymore, comes out and says."I think I'.l throw all three of you out of this plane and make all the people happy."

使所有人都高興

由于格萊美頒獎委員會的失誤，麥當(dāng)娜、布蘭妮·斯皮爾斯和克里斯蒂娜·阿奎萊拉被迫共同乘坐一架私人噴氣飛機趕去頒獎典禮。

飛機起飛后，麥當(dāng)娜扔出了一千美元的支票說：“我把這一千美元的支票從窗戶扔出去，能讓地面上的某個人很開。”

不想被麥當(dāng)娜的風(fēng)頭壓過去，布蘭妮把一張一千美元的支票撕成兩半，從窗戶扔了出去，說：“看，我會讓兩個人很開。”

克里斯蒂娜甚至沒有意識到布蘭妮愚蠢的舉動，在一邊吹牛說：“看吧，我要扔下一千張一美元的支票，這會讓更多的人開。”

這時，那個偶然聽到整個吹噓攀比過程的飛行員再也忍不住了，說：“我覺得我把你們?nèi)齻€扔下去的話，會讓所有人開。”

18.God Will Pay the Bill

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Jack, you'.e going to be just fine,"said the nun, gently patting his hand."we do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance."

"No, I'.not."the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash."persisted the nun.

"I'.afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives."the nun continued.

"Just my sister in New York."he volunteered."But she'.a spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Jack. Nuns are not'spinsters'.they are married to God."

"Really？ Wonderful."said Jack."In that case, you can send the bill to my brother‐in‐law."

上帝付藥費

一個男子被緊急送到手術(shù)急救室。手術(shù)很成功，他蘇醒后，身旁守候的修女安慰著他。

“杰克先生，一切都會好起來。”修女一邊輕輕地拍著他的手一邊說道，“但是我們想知道你怎么來付醫(yī)藥費呢，你有保險。”

“沒。”杰克喉嚨嘶啞，低聲說道。

“能付現(xiàn)金。”修女接著問。

“恐怕不能，修。”

“那么，你有近親。”修女繼續(xù)問。

“只有一個妹妹在紐。”他提到，“但是，她是修女，還沒有結(jié)。”

“哦，我必須更正一下，修女不是未婚者，修女嫁給了上。”

“是真的嗎？太棒。”杰克說，“要是那樣的話，你可以把醫(yī)藥費寄給我的妹。”

19.Upsetting the Stewardess

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks."And get me a coke, you cow."

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls."And get me another coke."

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot'.approach.

"I'.e asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat."

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says."For someone who can't fly, you'.e got some guts."

讓空姐慌張

登機后，一名男子非常吃驚地看到他旁邊坐著一只系著安全帶的鸚鵡。他向空姐要了一杯咖啡，于是鸚鵡也咯咯地叫道：“給我來一杯可樂，你這頭母。”

慌張的空姐給鸚鵡端回來一杯可樂卻忘了端咖啡。

當(dāng)男子指出空姐的疏忽時，鸚鵡喝掉了它那杯飲料，大聲叫道：“再給我來杯可。”

由于非常不安，這位姑娘搖搖晃晃地端回來另一杯可樂但仍然忘了咖啡。

這個男人對這樣的失責(zé)感到很不滿，于是試著用鸚鵡的口氣說：“我已經(jīng)叫了兩次咖啡！現(xiàn)在快去給我拿來，你這頭老山。”

然后，他和這只鸚鵡被兩名強壯的男乘務(wù)員一把拎起來扔出了緊急出口。

下降過程中鸚鵡對他說：“對于不會飛的人來說，你還真夠。”

20.Quick Fix

When old Mr. O'.eary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'.eary called the undertaker aside for a little private talk.

"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but me knew he was bald,"she confided."and he could never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they'.e through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. O'.eary,"comforted the undertaker."I'.l fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the corpse quite a going‐over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'.eary offered the undertaker an extra hundred bucks for handling the matter so efficiently.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money."protested the undertaker."What'.five nails."

快速固定

年邁的奧列瑞先生故去時，大家精心準(zhǔn)備了守喪計劃。準(zhǔn)備時，奧列瑞太太把承辦人叫到一邊，做了一次私下交談。

“請千萬要注意把他頭上戴的假發(fā)保護(hù)好，除了我還沒有人知道他是禿。”奧列瑞太太傾訴道，“如果有誰知道此事，我先生會難以安息的。在我們家鄉(xiāng)來的朋友們最后和他道別之前，他們肯定要握他的手，摸他的頭。”

“放心吧，奧列瑞太。”承辦人安慰道，“我會處理好他的假發(fā)，絕不會掉下。”。

果真如此，守喪那天，雖然奧列瑞先生的尸體被一群老古董們折騰了個遍，但那頂假發(fā)仍很牢固。那天結(jié)束后，高興的奧列瑞太太為獎勵承辦人的辦事效率高，額外地給了他幾百元錢。

“我不能要你的。”承辦人堅持道，“不就是五個釘子的事。”

21.Lawyer

A successful lawyer parked his brand‐new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver'.side.The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined.

When the lawyer f inally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head."I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are."he said."You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing."asked the lawyer.

The cop replied."Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down？ It must have been torn off when the truck hityou."

"My God."screamed the lawyer."Where'.my Rolex."

律師

一位功成名就的律師將一輛嶄新的凌志轎車停在辦公室門前，準(zhǔn)備向同事們炫耀一番。他正開門下車時，一輛卡車擦邊而過，撞掉了新車駕駛室的門。律師馬上抓起手機，撥打911。不到幾分鐘，一名警察驅(qū)車趕來了。

還沒等警官發(fā)問，律師就開始歇斯底里尖叫起來。他昨天剛買的凌志轎車，現(xiàn)在徹底報廢了。

當(dāng)律師最終從大喊大叫中平靜下來后，警官搖了搖頭，說：“我簡直不敢相信，你們這些律師這么利欲熏心。你把注意力都集中在財產(chǎn)上，沒有注意到其他東。”

“你怎么能這樣說。”律師問。

警官回答說：“你不知道自己的左臂從肘部以下都沒了嗎？肯定是卡車撞到車門時把它也給扯掉。”

“我的上。”律師尖叫道，“我的勞力士表哪去。”

22.It's Getting Worse

There is a ship that goes out to send crashes. Six people, one woman and five men, survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.

Well, after spending six weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely—sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.

Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and every one is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman get to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!

Well, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it'.getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, and the fifth week it is just auful, it'.getting so very very very bad that...

They just had to bury her.

更糟了

一艘船出海觸礁。有六個人（一個女人及五個男人）幸存，他們乘救生艇飄到了這座荒島。在島上過了六個禮拜后，他們開始覺得非常寂寞——缺少性生活的寂寞。于是他們達(dá)成了這項協(xié)議。

所有男人可以娶這個女人一星期。所以第一人在第一周擁有她，第二人在第二周擁有她，以此類推。每個人都能得到滿足所以他們同意了。這樣持續(xù)了五年大家都過得很快樂。每個人可以每五周擁有一周性生活。而女人也可以在每周需要時和不同的人溫存。

然而好景不常，在邁入第五年的幾周后，女人死了！

第一周很難過，第二周還是很難過，第三周更難過，第四周實在非常難過，而第五周簡直糟透了，實在是糟糕得無法忍受……

他們只好把她埋了。

23.A LittIe Boy

There was once a clairvoyant little boy who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish."God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye grandpa."

The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying."God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma."

The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street—she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said."God bless mommy, goodbye daddy."

His father paniced. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired.

He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words."Goodbye daddy."He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said."What do you think happened today, dear？ The most awful thing—the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

小男孩

有一個小男孩能夠預(yù)知未來。

某個晚上在小男孩禱告時，他說著：“上帝啊，請保佑媽咪、爹地、外婆。再見，外。”

隔天，小男孩的外公因心臟病過世。

幾周后，小男孩禱告：“上帝啊，請保佑媽咪、爹地。再見，外。”

隔天，外婆在過街時被公共汽車撞到，當(dāng)場死亡。

大約一個月過后，當(dāng)小男孩在禱告時，他說：“上帝請保佑媽咪。再見，。”。

他的父親嚇得要死，他很謹(jǐn)慎小心地開車上班，還請了一個武裝的保鏢開著裝甲戰(zhàn)車保護(hù)他。但他無法集中精神做事，腦中一直浮現(xiàn)那句話，“再見，。”。

最后他提早下班回家，非常小心的，他在門口時碰到他的老婆。

她說：“親愛的，你知道今天發(fā)生了什么嗎？真是太慘了，送牛奶的竟然死在我們后走廊。”

24.Two Men

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation."How did you die."the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death."says the second.

"That'.awful."says the first man."How does it feel to freeze to death."

"It'.very uncomfortable at first."says the second man."You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it'.a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you'.e sleeping. How about you？ How did you die."

"I had a heart attack."says the first man."You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head."That'.so ironic."he says.

"What do you mean."asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'.both still be alive."

兩個男人

天堂門外有兩個男人在等待著，他們倆聊起來。“你是怎么死。”第一個男人問第二個。

“我是凍死。”第二個說。

“真可。”第一個人說，“凍死是什么感。”

“開始很不舒。”第二個人說，“身體顫抖，所有的手指和腳趾都疼，但是最終走得很平靜，身體麻木，有一種漂浮的感覺，就像睡夢中一樣。你呢？你是怎么死。”

“我是心臟病發(fā)作死。”第一個人說，“我知道老婆有外遇，于是，有一天我沒有告訴她就回家了。我跑到樓上的臥室，發(fā)現(xiàn)她一個人在那里織毛線。我跑到地下室，也沒有人藏在那里。我跑到二樓，還是沒有發(fā)現(xiàn)別人。我用最快速度跑到樓頂，我剛要爬上去，就心臟病突發(fā)，然后就死。”

第二個人搖搖頭，“這真是諷刺。”他說。

“為什么這樣說。”第一個人說。

“要是你停下來檢查一下冰柜，我們倆興許都還會活。”

25.The Deaf Collector

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they wer."protectin.". Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job—if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up over ＄80, 000. He got greedy, decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place.

The mafia soon realized that their collection was late, and sent some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods found the deaf collector and asked him where the money was. The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the mafia dragged the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood said to the interpreter."Ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signed."Where'.the money."

The deaf replied."I don't know what you are talking about."

The interpreter told the hood."He says he doesn't know what you'.e talking about."

The hood pulled out a pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector."Now ask him where the money is."

聾子收錢

黑手黨正在找一個人，從每周受到他們“。”的商販那里收錢。他們害怕會被警察發(fā)現(xiàn)，于是決定用一個聾子——即使聾子被捕，在警察面前也說不出什么事。

頭一周，聾子收的錢超過八萬美金。他貪起來了，決定據(jù)為已有，就把錢藏了起來。

錢遲遲沒到，黑手黨很快覺得事有蹊蹺，就派他們的人尋找聾子。這些人找到聾子問錢在哪里。聾子無法跟他們交流，他們就把聾子拽到一個手語翻譯面前。

黑手黨的人對翻譯說：“問他錢在哪。”

手語翻譯做手勢：“錢在哪。”

聾子回復(fù)：“我不明白你們在說什。”

翻譯告訴黑手黨：“他說他不明白你們在說什。”

黑手黨掏出手槍摁進(jìn)聾子的耳朵，“再問錢在哪。”

26.A Nice Stone

Sometime after Colin died, his widow, Lily, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Colin thought of everything."she told her firends."Just before he died, Colin handed me three envelopes.'Lily,'he told me,'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly that I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace."

"What was in the envelopes."her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5000 with a note'Please use this money to buy a nice casket'.So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Paul is resting comfortably."

"The second envelope contained $10000 with a note'Please use this for a nice funeral'.I arranged Colin a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope."asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $30000 with a note'Please use this to buy a nice stone.

Holding her hand in the air, Lily said."So, do you like my stone."showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

上好的石頭

科林死后過了一段時間，遺孀莉莉最終覺得是時候跟大伙說說她的丈夫多么體貼多么好了。

“科林什么事情都安排好。”莉莉跟朋友們說，臨死時，科林給我三個信封。莉莉，說，這三個信封里裝有我的遺愿。我死后請你打開，按照我說的去做，那樣我就安息了。

“信封里裝的什么愿望。”朋友們問。

第一個信封里面有5000美元和一張紙條‘請用這些錢買一副好棺材’我就買了一副有舒適襯里的紅木棺材，漂亮大方，我知道科林躺在里面一定很舒適。

“第二個信封里面有1萬美元和一張紙條，第二張條上寫著，‘請用這些錢辦一個像樣的葬禮。我就為科林張羅了一個體面的葬禮，買了所有科林最愛吃的東西跟出席葬禮的人分。”

“第三個信封。”朋友們追問。

“第三個信封里有3萬美金和一張紙條：請用這些錢買一塊上好的石頭（指墓碑）。

莉莉舉起手來說：“看，這塊石頭好看。”莉莉邊說邊秀著她十克拉的鉆戒。

下篇 編外斗狠

1.Modern Art

When a very superior person was walking round an art ex‐ hibition, he paused and told an attendant."I suppose this hideous monster is what they call modern art."

"No, sir,"replied the attendant."that'.what they call a mirror."

現(xiàn)代藝術(shù)

一個自命不凡的人在參觀一個藝術(shù)展時，停下來，對一名工作人員說：“我想這個可怕的怪物就是所謂的現(xiàn)代藝。”

“不，先。”工作人員回答說，“這是所謂的鏡。”

2.Like Mother, Like Daughter

My husband, a high school teacher, had a meeting with the mother of a student who had a tendency to become distracted during class. He asked if she had noticed that problem when dealing with her daughter. The mother looked thoughtfully at him and then pointed to the far wall, asking."Are those aluminum windows."

有其母必有其女

我丈夫是個中學(xué)教員，曾經(jīng)因為一個學(xué)生上課經(jīng)常開小差而請了她的母親來學(xué)校。

他問她在和女兒的接觸中是否注意到這個問題。這位母親若有所思地盯著他，然后指著遠(yuǎn)處的墻問：“那是鋁合金窗戶。”

3.Why don't You Come Back in June

On the shortest day of the year, a woman was standing outside her house talking to a door‐to‐door salesman.She accused him of dishonest conduct.

In his defense, he protested."But, madam, I'.as honest as the day is long."

"In that case,"she replied, giving him a stern look."why don't you come back in June."

為什么不六月份來

一年中白晝最短的一天，一個婦女站在屋外和上門推銷員說話。她譴責(zé)他推銷不誠實。

他反駁道：“太太，我的誠實就像白天一樣。”

她狠狠瞪了他一眼，回答說：“那你為什么不六月份來。”

4.He Wanted Two Ballons

The boy'.clothing shop was giving away balloons to custo-mers'.hildren. One little fellow asked if he might bave two.

"Sorry,"the clerk said."but we give only one balloon to each child. Do you have a brother at home."

The youngster was always truthful, but wanted another balloon badly."No,"he replied regretfully."but my sister does, and I'.like one for him."

他想要兩只氣球

兒童服裝店正在向顧客的孩子們贈送氣球。其中一個小男孩問是否能夠得到兩只氣球。

“對不。”售貨員說，“我們只贈給每個孩子一只氣球，你家里有弟弟。”

小家伙一貫很誠實，可他特別想再要一只氣球。“沒。”他遺憾地說，“可我姐姐有個弟弟，我想給他要一。”

5.Expensive Price

Dentist: I'.sorry, madam, but I'.l have to charge you fifty dollars for pulling your son'.tooth.

Donna: fifty dollars! But I thought you only charged ten dollars for an extraction.

Dentist: I usually do. But your son yelled so loud, he scared four other patients out of the office.

昂貴的代價

牙科醫(yī)生：對不起，夫人，為給您的兒子拔牙，我得收50美元。

堂娜：50美元！可是我知道您拔一顆牙只要10美元呀？

牙科醫(yī)生：是的。但是您兒子這么大聲地叫喚，他都嚇跑四位病人了。

6.Reason

Driving through Texas, a New Yorker collided with a truck carrying a horse. A few months later he tried to collect damages for his injuries."How can you now claim to have all these injuries."asked the insurance company'.lawyer."According to the police report, at the time you said you were not hurt."

"Look,"replied the New Yorker."I was lying on the road in a lot of pain, and I heard someone say the horse had a broken leg. The next thing I know was Texas ranger pulled out his gun and shot the horse. Then he turned to me and asked,'Are you okay？'.

原因

一位紐約人駕車穿過得克薩斯州時，與一輛載著一匹馬的卡車相撞。幾個月后，他試圖就所受的損傷要求賠償。“你怎么現(xiàn)在又聲稱受了。”保險公司的律師問，“根據(jù)警方報告，你當(dāng)時說沒有受。”

“是這么回。”紐約人答道，當(dāng)時我躺在地上渾身疼痛，聽到有人說馬斷了一條腿，接下來我知道那個得克薩斯州巡邏騎兵拔出槍打死了馬。然后，他轉(zhuǎn)身問我：你沒事吧？

7.Stubborn Horse

The great novelist had gone mad, but now there seemed to be some hope for his recovery. For six months, he had been sitting at his typewriter pounding out a novel. Finally, he pronounced it completed and brought the book to his psychiatrist, who eagerly began reading it aloud."General Jackson leaped upon his faithful horse and yelled, 'Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap, giddyap...'.The doctor thumbed through the rest of the manuscript. There'.nothing here but five hundred pages o."giddyaps.".

"Stubborn horse."explained the writer.

倔馬

偉大的小說家瘋了，但現(xiàn)在好像還有一些康復(fù)的希望。六個月來，他一直坐在打字機旁用力敲出一部小說。最后，他宣布書已殺青，并把它拿給了精神病醫(yī)生。醫(yī)生迫不及待地朗讀起來：杰克遜將軍躍上他忠實的馬，大聲喊道：駕，駕，駕，駕……醫(yī)生翻完了剩下的手稿。五百頁全是：“駕。”

“是倔。”作家解釋說。

8.Kids

There'.one big difference between whiskey and kids. Whiskey improves with age. Don't let this get around but I'.e come up with something that could revolutionize the field of child psychology. It'.called a whip!

Let'.face it. Some kids are like ketchup bottle. You have to hit them to get them moving. Personally, I have never raised a finger against one of my children. I use the whole hand—it works a lot better.

I always wanted to spend more time with my kids. Then one day I did. A typical American home is where you tell your dog t."speak."and your kids t."Shut up."

孩子

威士忌與孩子之間有很大的不同。威士忌是越陳越香。不要逃避，我已經(jīng)想出了一個革新孩童心理的方法。它叫做鞭策學(xué)！

面對事實吧！有些孩子就像番茄醬瓶子，不打不動。基本上，我從沒對我的小孩動過一根手指，我用整只手，效果比較好。

我總是想著多花點時間陪孩子。然后我這么做了。典型的美國家庭中你會教狗說話而叫小孩閉嘴。

9.Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk'.hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir."the clerk said."I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we have had so long."

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double breasted thing."the manager asked.

"That is the one."

"That is great."the manager cried."I thought we would never get rid of that monstrosity！That had to be the ugliest suit we have ever had！But why your hand is bandaged."

"Oh,"the clerk replied."after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

粉紅外套賣出去了

經(jīng)理吃完午飯回來后，他注意到他的一個員工的手纏著繃帶。他還沒來得及詢問緣由，那個員工就迫不及待地說他有好消息要告訴經(jīng)理。

“您猜怎么著，經(jīng)。”員工說，“我最終把那件令人討厭、奇丑無比、好久都沒賣出去的套裝給賣出去。”

“你是說那件人見人煩的粉紅色帶藍(lán)色雙排扣的套裝。”經(jīng)理問。

“沒錯，就是那。”

“太棒。”經(jīng)理大喊道，“我還以為我們這輩子都賣不出那件衣服呢！那是我們賣過的最丑的衣服了！但是你的手為什么纏著繃帶。”

“。”員工答道，“我賣給那個家伙衣服后，他的導(dǎo)盲犬咬了。”

10.Get Off

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner.

The rookie rolled down his window and said."Get off the corner, people."

A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again,

"Let'.get off that corner—NOW."

Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked."Well, how did I do."

"Pretty good,"chuckled the vet."this is a bus stop, merely."

馬上離開

一個初出茅廬的警官和一名富有經(jīng)驗的搭檔坐在警車?yán)锏谝淮纬鋈パ策墸粋€電話打過來讓他們?nèi)ヲ?qū)散一些閑逛的人。

兩個警官將警車開到了那條街上，他們看到有一小群人正站在街角上。

新手搖下車窗說：“拐角的人趕快散。”

人們看了他幾眼，但沒人動。他又一次大聲喊道：“站在拐角的人都散開——馬。”

那群人受到恐嚇，開始離開，同時向他這邊投來不解的目光。

年輕警察為自己的第一次執(zhí)行任務(wù)感到自豪，轉(zhuǎn)頭問他的搭檔：“哎，我干得怎么。”

“很不。”老警察輕聲笑道，“但這里是個公共汽車。”

11.The Number of Passengers

We are going to play a game.

First, you are the bus drirer on a crowded bus, OK？ Don't forget.

I want you to count carefully the number of passengers that get on and off your bus so that you can check the number of tickets sold with the total amount of money collected. Pay attention now.

There are all together six stops on the way. The bus starts out with twenty‐two passengers on board. At the first stop, three passengers get off and five get on. At the second stop, one gets on and nobody gets off. At the next stop, seven get off and two get on. At the fourth stop, no one gets on and no one gets off. At the fifth stop, one gets off and six get on. Then, at the last stop, two men get off and a couple followed by an old lady get on. Now, is everything clear？ Do you need me to repeat？

No？ OK, then. Answer my question: WHAT'.THE NAME OF THE DRIVER？

乘客人數(shù)

我們來做一個游戲。

首先，你來當(dāng)一輛擁擠的公共汽車的司機，好嗎？可別忘記。

我要求你仔細(xì)地數(shù)一數(shù)上下車乘客的人數(shù)，以便核對一下賣掉的車票和收進(jìn)的錢的總數(shù)是否對得上。請注意了。

公共汽車路線上一共有六個站。汽車出發(fā)時，車上有二十二位乘客。到了第一站，下車的乘客有三位，上車的有五位。第二站，上車一位，無人下車。下一站，下車的有七位，上車的是兩位。第四站，無人上車或下車。第五站，下去一位，上來六位。然后，到了最后的第六站，下去兩位男人，又上來一對男女，后面還跟著一位老太太。好，我都講清楚了吧？還需要我再講一遍嗎？

不用了？好，那么——請回答我的問題：公共汽車司機的名字叫什么？

12.You'.e Going to Die

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor'.office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said."Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, and it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife."What did the doctor say."

"You'.e going to die."she replied.

你快死啦

一位女士陪丈夫去看病。醫(yī)生給她的丈夫檢查完后，把女士單獨叫進(jìn)他的辦公室。醫(yī)生說：“你丈夫病得很嚴(yán)重，精神還極度緊張。要是你不采取以下措施，你的丈夫一定會死掉。”

“每天清晨，為他做一份對健康有益的早餐；心情愉快地對待他，以此來保證他也有愉快的心情；給他準(zhǔn)備營養(yǎng)豐富的午餐；還要特別精心為他準(zhǔn)備晚餐；不要讓家務(wù)事煩他，因為他工作了一天會很辛苦；也別把你的煩心事告訴他，那樣只會增加他的精神負(fù)擔(dān)；最重要的是，你要滿足他的每個心愿。要是你能連續(xù)十個月到一年按照我說的做，我認(rèn)為你丈夫會完全康復(fù)。”

在回家的路上，丈夫問妻子：“醫(yī)生都說些什么。”

“他說你快死。”妻子回答說。

13.Brother in South America

Mr. William taught English at a school. At the beginning of his lesson, he liked to have one of his students give a report on any subject.

When it was Jack'.turn, he told his audience about his elder brother who was a local worker. But during the report, his eyes were staring at the world map on the wall all the time. Mr. William knew that Jack didn't look at the audience because he was nervous. He said to Jack."We can see you miss your brother very much. But is he OK now in South America."

南美洲的哥哥

威廉先生在一所學(xué)校教英語。每次開始上課，他都喜歡叫一個學(xué)生上講臺演講，題材不限。

輪到杰克演講時，他向聽眾講起了他在當(dāng)?shù)毓ぷ鞯母绺纭５谥v述過程中，杰克的眼睛一直盯著墻上的世界地圖。

威廉先生知道杰克是因為緊張才不看聽眾。他對杰克說：“我們能看出你非常想念你的哥哥，他目前在南美洲還好。”

14.Don't Eat a Person Who Is Working

Five cannibals （Man eaters）get appointed as programmers in an IT company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says."You'.e all part of our team now. You can earn good money, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."

Four weeks later the boss returns and says."You'.e all working very hard, and I'.very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her."The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer.

After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others."Which of you idiots ate the developer."

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says."You FOOL！For four weeks we'.e been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no one has noticed anything. And now you ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."

別吃干活的人

五個食人者被一家信息技術(shù)公司招為程序員。

在歡迎會上，老總說：“你們現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)是我們中的一員了，在這兒你們可以賺大錢，你們可以到公司食堂找東西吃，所以不要打其他員工的主意。”

四周之后，老總返回來說道：“你們工作都很賣力，我感到很滿意，可是我們的一個程序開發(fā)員失蹤了，你們有人知道是怎么回事。”食人者們都說沒見過那個失蹤的程序開發(fā)員。

老總離開后，食人者的頭兒道：“哪個傻瓜吃了那個程序開發(fā)。”

一個食人者猶猶豫豫地舉起了手。他們的頭兒說：“你這個蠢貨，四周來，我們吃了好幾個管事的——組長、經(jīng)理、項目經(jīng)理，都沒有被發(fā)現(xiàn)。現(xiàn)在你竟然吃了程序開發(fā)員，結(jié)果被注意到了。從現(xiàn)在開始，不要吃干活的。”

15.Musical Interlude

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven'.Ninth. In the piece, there'.a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said."Hey! we need to go back."

"No need to panic,"said a fellow bassist."I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor'.score together with string. It'.l take him a few minutes to get it untangled."

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy, and said as much to her companion."Well, of course,"said her companion."don't you see？ It'.the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

音樂插曲

交響樂團(tuán)正在演奏貝多芬第九交響曲。其中，有一個章節(jié)大約長達(dá)二十分鐘，低音小提琴不用演奏。一些低音小提琴手不愿傻傻地坐著，決定開溜到隔壁酒館快速喝上一杯。

接連豪飲幾杯啤酒后，一個低音小提琴手看了看表說：“嗨！該回去。”“不用。”另一個低音小提琴手說，“我覺得我們會多待一會兒，所以拿線把指揮的譜子縫起來了。要弄開得花好幾分鐘功夫呢。

幾分鐘后，他們幾個踉踉蹌蹌地回到音樂廳，找到位置坐好。大概這時，一位觀眾發(fā)覺指揮看上去有點不安，跟她的同伴說了很多。“嗯，當(dāng)。”同伴說，“你沒有看到嗎？第九交響曲快演奏完了，譜子給縫上了，低音小提琴手也都喝醉。”

16.Got any Duck Food？

One day a convenience store worker was sitting not doing much. At 2 o'.lock the doors swing open and a duck walks in.

"Do you have any duck food."the duck asks.

"No we don't have any duck food."

"Okay, thanks anyway."says the duck, and walks out.

The next day at 2 o'.lock the doors swing open again, and the same duck walks in.

"Got any duck food."he asks.

The clerk is a little annoyed."No! We don't have anyduck food."

"Fine."the duck says and walks out.

The third day at 2 o'.lock the doors swing open and the duck walks in and asks."Got any duck food."

By now the clerk is getting very annoyed."No."he yells."We don't have any duck food! We didn't have any yesterday, we don't have any today and we won't have any tomorrow! And if you come in here again and ask if we have any duck food, I'.l nail your little wet feet to the floor!

All the duck does is to turn and walk out the door.

On the forth day at 2 o'.lock the doors swing open and the duck walks in."Got any nails."the duck asks.

"No, we don't have nails."

"Well then,"the duck says."got any duck food."

有鴨食嗎？

一天，一家便利店的店員坐在那里無所事事，下午兩點門開了，一只鴨子走了進(jìn)來。

鴨子問：“你們這里有鴨食。”

“沒有，我們這里沒有鴨。”

“好，謝。”說完，鴨子走出了門。

第二天同一時間，門又打開了，還是那只鴨子又走了進(jìn)來。

“有鴨食。”鴨子問。

店員有點兒惱火：“沒有！我們這里沒有鴨。”

“。”鴨子走了出去。

第三天又是這個時候，那只鴨子又推開店門走了進(jìn)來，問：“有鴨食。”

這下子，那個店員真的被惹惱了，大聲吼道：“沒有，我們這里從來都沒有鴨食！我們昨天沒有，今天沒有，明天也不會有！如果你再進(jìn)來要什么鴨食，我就把你的鴨掌釘在地板上！。”

鴨子一聲未吭，走出了店門。

第四天下午兩點，那只鴨子又推門走了進(jìn)來，問道：“你們這里有釘子。”

“沒有，我們這里沒有釘。”

鴨子說：“那你們這里有鴨食。”

17.Duck Hunting

Five doctors went duck hunting one day.Induced in the group were a general practice（GP）physician, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist.

After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'.not quite sure it'.a duck."he said."I think that I will have to get a second opinion."And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky thereafter. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it.He, too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies.

"I'.l have to do some more investigations, he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp‐eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey'.identity."Now, I know it'.a duck, but does it know it'.a duck."The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon'.weapon pointed skywards. BOOM! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him."Go see if that was a duck, will you."

獵雁

一天，全科醫(yī)生、兒科醫(yī)生、精神病醫(yī)生、外科醫(yī)生和病理學(xué)醫(yī)生一行五人去打大雁。

過了一會兒，一只大雁飛到了他們的頭頂。第一個對此作出反應(yīng)的是全科醫(yī)生。他舉起獵槍，可又猶豫起來。“我拿不準(zhǔn)那是不是一只大。”他說，“我想我必須聽聽另一位醫(yī)生的意。”當(dāng)然，這時大雁早已飛得無影無蹤。

之后，又有一只大雁出現(xiàn)在天空中。這次是兒科醫(yī)生舉槍瞄準(zhǔn)。然而，他也拿不準(zhǔn)所瞄準(zhǔn)的是否真的是大雁。此外，那只鳥可能懷著小鳥。“我必須得做進(jìn)一步調(diào)。”他喃喃說道，這時那只鳥已經(jīng)溜之大吉。

隨后是眼尖的精神病醫(yī)生看到了飛鳥。他用肩扛住獵槍，比其他人更清楚自己瞄準(zhǔn)的獵物是什么。“現(xiàn)在，我知道它是一只大雁，可它知不知道自己是一只大雁。”正當(dāng)他絞盡腦汁進(jìn)退兩難想這一難題時，那只幸運的鳥已經(jīng)飛走了。

最后，第四只大雁快速飛過。這次是外科醫(yī)生把獵槍對準(zhǔn)了天空。砰！外科醫(yī)生放下槍口還在冒煙的獵槍，扭過頭，面無表情地對身邊的病理學(xué)醫(yī)生說：“去看看那是不是一只大雁，好。”

18.Make a Bet

Colonel Stone had always thought he was extremely clever."If I weren't such a brainy guy,"he mused."should I be a colonel？ If I weren't intelligent, would my subordinates obey my orders."

Now everything was changed. Young Lieutenant Faith was to blame. He would come up to him with an innocent look in his eyes and ask."Do you know what the speed of light is, sir."and then,"I disagree, sir, shall we bet on it."Other bets followed and Colonel Stone found himself in a rather awkward situation.Not only did he begin to think of himself as an ignorant old fool, but his financial situation went from bad to worse."If this sort of thing goes on,"he thought."I'.l have an inferiority complex."

He got in touch with Colonel Help, a friend of his, and told him everything.

"Send him to me! I will teach the impudent fellow a lesson."said the Colonel Help.

The next day, as the young man appeared in his study, the colonel smiled and said."Lieutenant Faith, what are you staring at me for."

"Er.well, sir, I'.e just noticed you'.e color‐blind and I'.thinking that.

"What？ I'm color‐blind？ Don't be an ass."

"Yes, this morning you put on a pair of pink pants without realizing it."

"I can bet you 200 dollars my pants are white."said the colonel with a malicious smile.

"I accept the bet."said the lieutenant."though I hate de‐ priving you of your money."

"Depriving me of my money？ Let'.check on that."said the high‐ranking officer and pressed his finger on a button.

The group of officers that entered the room a few seconds later saw an unusual sight: their commanding officer was standing in the middle of the room, waving his trousers, and roaring."What color are my pants."

"White."answered all the officers who could hardly believe their eyes and ears.

"Snow white."echoed Lieutenant Faith.

"You'.e lost 200 dollars, young man, it serves you right."

He snatched the receiver, dialed the right number and told Colonel Stone what had happened.

"I'.e never met such a fool as you are."roared a voice at the other end."Hasn't it occurred to you he had a jolly good reason for losing 200 dollars？ You see, he bet me 1,000 dollars he would make you take off your trousers the moment he saw you. What an ass you are! I should have known."

打賭

斯通上校總認(rèn)為自己特別聰明。他心里想：“要不是我聰明透頂，怎么能當(dāng)上校呢？要不是我聰明過人，部下又怎么肯聽我的命令。”

現(xiàn)在一切都發(fā)生了變化，這要怪年輕的菲斯中尉。他常常帶著天真的神情來到上校面前問：“先生，你知道光速是多少。”接著又說：“先生，我不同意。我們打個賭好。”類似這樣的賭一個接一個。斯通上校覺得自己處于一種非常尷尬的境地。他不僅開始懷疑自己是老糊涂，而且他的經(jīng)濟狀況也每況愈下。“如果這種狀況繼續(xù)下。”他想，“我一定會有自卑。”

他跟他的朋友赫爾帕上校取得了聯(lián)系，把一切都告訴了他。“把他送到我這里來！我要教訓(xùn)教訓(xùn)這個放肆的家。”赫爾帕上校說。

第二天，年輕人來到他的書房。上校微微一笑說：“菲斯中尉，你盯著我看什。”

“呃……噢，先生，我剛才注意到你是色盲。我在想。”

“什么？我色盲？別傻。”

“是的，今天早上你穿了一條粉紅色短褲，你還不知。”

“我可以跟你賭兩百美元，我的短褲是白色。”上校不懷好意地笑道。

“我同意打這個。”菲斯中尉說，“盡管我不喜歡讓你輸。”

“讓我輸錢？那就等著。”這個高級軍官說著，按了一下電鈕。幾秒鐘后，進(jìn)來了一批軍官。他們看到的是一個非同尋常的景象：他們的指揮官站在屋子中央，揮舞著褲子，高聲喊道：“我的短褲是什么顏。”

在場的軍官簡直不相信自己的眼睛和耳朵，齊聲答道：

“白。”

“雪白。”菲斯中尉隨聲附和說。

“你輸了兩百美元，年輕人，這是你自找。”

上校一把抓起話筒，撥通號碼，告訴了斯通上校這里發(fā)生的一切。

“我從來沒見過你這樣的傻。”電話那頭吼道。

“你就沒想到他有充分理由輸?shù)魞砂倜涝课以缇驮撝浪屹€了一千美元，說一見到你就能讓你把褲子脫下來。你就是個傻。”

19.The First Class Cabin

A man boards a cross‐country flight and settles himself in the first class cabin for the trip. A flight attendant soon approaches him and says."Sir, I'.sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you'.e seated in first class. I'.afraid you'.l have to move."

The man replies."I'.a wrestler, and I'.going to New York to play professional wrestling."and shows no signs of moving.

Frustrated, the attendant informs the captain."I'.l deal with the problem."The captain says. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the man seated comfortably in first class. Approaching him with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the man'.ear. Almost immediately, the man gathers his things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.

Slightly amazed, the flight attendant asks the captain."Captain, I'.impressed. What did you say to him."

The captain smiles and says."I just told him that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."

頭等艙

有個人登上了一個國內(nèi)航班。他在頭等艙內(nèi)坐下來，準(zhǔn)備在那里度過整個旅途。乘務(wù)員馬上來到他面前說：“很抱歉，先生，你買的是二等艙，這里是頭等艙，恐怕你得挪。”

那人回答道：“我是一名摔跤手，要到紐約參加職業(yè)摔跤比。”之后，并沒有挪動的意思。

失望之余，乘務(wù)員把這件事報告了機長。“我來處理這件。”機長說著把機控手柄交給其他人，走到后面，看到那人怡然自得地坐在頭等艙里。機長面帶微笑走近那個人，傾過身在那入耳邊輕輕說了幾句話。那個人馬上收拾東西，站起身，立馬挪到了二等艙。

乘務(wù)員有些驚訝，便問機長：“機長，我真佩服您。您對他說了什。”

機長微微一笑，說：“我只是對他說頭等艙不去紐。”

20.The Bad Day

There'.a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble‐making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says."Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I'.l buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."

"No, it'.not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'.late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it. I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there. I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

糟糕的一天

一個小伙子坐在酒吧里，盯著他的酒發(fā)呆。他保持那個姿勢快半小時了。

突然，一個愛搗亂的卡車司機走到他身旁，從他手中奪過酒，一口氣把它喝干了。

那個可憐的人哭了起來。司機說：“得了吧，兄弟，我只是開個玩笑，我給你再買一杯酒。我最受不了看一個大男人。”

“不，不是那樣的。今天是我一生中最糟糕的日子。首先，我睡過頭了，上班遲到，我的老板一怒之下開除了我。當(dāng)我離開大樓找我的車子時，發(fā)現(xiàn)它已經(jīng)被人偷走了。警察說他們無能為力。然后我叫了輛出租車回家，下車后才想起我把我的錢包和信用卡忘車上了，可出租車已經(jīng)開走了。之后，我回到家卻發(fā)現(xiàn)我的妻子和園丁躺在床上。最后我離開家，來到這家酒吧。正當(dāng)我考慮結(jié)束我的生命的時候，你卻出現(xiàn)把我的毒藥喝掉。”

21.Two Smart Blind Men

One dark night, two blind men were going home from work."I need to buy some socks."said one of them suddenly."Let'.stop at the shop on the corner."

"OK,"replied the other."I think I'.l buy two or three pairs myself too."

In the shop, the shop‐assistant asked them."What size do you wear, sir, and what color would you like."

"Size eleven. Give me one pair of black socks and two pairs of white, please."answered one of them.

"And you, sir."the shop assistant asked the other customer.

"The same for me. I wear size eleven, too.So same color, same number."said the second blind man.

A moment later they were back in the dark streets, each man with the socks he had borght. But just then, a boy riding a bicycle bumped into them. And what do you think happened？

The blind men dropped all the socks on the ground! All the six pairs—black and white all mixed up. The boy quickly apologized and left. The two blind men picked up all the socks,but could tell which were black and which were white. How could they be sure that each of them got one pair of black socks and two pairs of white？

They tried ask for help. But there was no one else in the streets ask, so what could they do？

One of them soon found a solution. Can you guess what it was？

They separated each pair of socks and both took one sock from each pair. When they got home, each of them had two black socks and four white ones of the same size—just what they wanted. Weren't they smart？

兩個聰?shù)拿と?/p>

一個漆黑的夜晚，兩個盲人正準(zhǔn)備下班回家。其中一個人說：“我得買幾雙短襪，我們在前面拐角的商店停一下。”

“好的，我想我也應(yīng)該買兩三雙。”

商店售貨員問他們：“先生，請問您穿幾號的襪子？您想要什么顏色。”

其中一個人回答說：“十一號的，要一雙黑的，兩雙白。”

“先生，您。”售貨員問另一個人。

“我也一樣，十一號的，一雙黑的，兩雙白。”另一個盲人說道。

過了一會兒，兩個人帶著他們的襪子回到了漆黑的街上。突然，一個男孩兒騎著自行車猛地撞向他們。你猜接下來發(fā)生了什么？

兩個盲人的襪子全掉地上了！六雙襪子——黑的白的全混在一起了。那個男孩兒匆忙地道了歉離開了。兩個盲人揀起所有的襪子，但沒辦法分辨哪雙是黑的，哪雙是白的。他們會怎樣確保他們拿到的是一雙黑的和兩雙白的呢？他們想向別人求助，但是街上空無一人，他們到底會怎么辦呢？

其中一個人很快想到了辦法。你猜得到嗎？

他們把每雙襪子都拆開了，每個人拿走其中的一只。這樣，他們回家之后，每個人都有兩只黑襪子和四只白襪子了，正如他們所希望的那樣。他們是不是很聰明啊？

22.An Affair

This woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway. She yelled at the boyfriend."Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early."The boyfriend looked out the window and said."I can't jump out the window！It'.raining like hell out there."

She said."If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us."

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window. when he landed outside he was in the middle of a Marathon, so he started running along beside the others and only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him."Do you always run in the nude."He answered, while gasping for air."Oh yes. It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."

The other runner then asked the nude man."Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm."The nude guy answered breathlessly."Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."The runner then asked."Do you always wear a condom when you run."The nude guy answered,

"Only if it'.raining."

偷情

有個女人趁先生上班時偷偷與情人廝混在床上。

有天兩人還在床上，這個女人聽到她先生車子回家的聲音。她焦急地叫她的情人：“趕快拿著你的衣服，跳窗戶。”他的情人一看：“外頭下大雨你叫我跳出。”“我先生如果逮到我們兩個，我們必死無。”她的情人只好拿起衣服，從窗戶跳了出去。結(jié)果他縱身一跳竟然跳入一群馬拉松選手中。他只好一面提著衣服，一邊加入跑步中。

有個選手問他：“你習(xí)慣裸奔。”他喘著氣地回答說：“是啊，這樣一來你可感覺到風(fēng)輕拂過你的肌。”

另一個選手又問這個裸奔的男子：“你跑步時都會把衣物拿在手上。”他有點透不過氣來地回答，“是啊，這樣一來，比賽完我就可穿上衣服，開車回。”該選手又問道：“你通常都戴著保險套跑步。”這個裸體男子說：“只有在下雨的時候才。”

23.Where is rice from？

Marshal is a Billionaire,He has two sons. They are stupid. But Matthew think they are smart, and very cherished them.

One day, a man named Cliff said to Marshal."Your sons are so stupid and know nothing about the world. How can they take your property over after your death."

Hearing these words, Marshal became a little bit angry. He said,"Everyone says my sons are very smart and praises them for their good virtue. What you say is sheer nonsense."

"Then let'.test them. Ok."Cliff suggested.

Marshal agreed.

Marshal called his two sons before Cliff, who asked the question,"Do you know where rice comes from."

The elder son smiled and answered."Anyone with sense knows the answer, that rice comes from the kitchen."

The younger son blinked and said,"You'.e wrong! How can you say rice comes from the kitchen! It indeed comes from the bag."

Marshal looked at his sons and turned red with anger.

"You both are so silly! Why don't you ask me when you don't know the right answer？ You are both wrong! Rice comes neither from the kitchen nor from the bag, it comes from the barn."

米從何來

有一個富翁名叫馬歇爾，他有兩個兒子都很笨。可是馬歇爾還是把兩個兒子視為掌上明珠。

一天，有一個叫柯利弗的對富翁說：“您這兩位少爺整天稀里糊涂，以后怎么接管家業(yè)。”

馬歇爾聽了很不高興，說：“真是豈有此理，我的兒子多聰明呀，當(dāng)面誰不夸他們聰明過。”

柯利弗笑道：“那我們來考考他們。”

馬歇爾同意了，于是把兩個兒子找來。

柯利弗問：“你們說大米從哪兒來。”

老大嬉笑回答說：“這誰不知道！是從廚房來。”

老二眨了眨眼睛說：“不對！怎么是從廚房來的呢？大米是從口袋倒出來。”

馬歇爾看看老大，又看看老二，氣得漲紅了臉，罵道：“兩個蠢材，不知道也不問問我，怎么可以在客人面前胡說呢？告訴你們，大米不是從廚房來的，也不是從口袋倒出來的，是從咱們的糧倉來。”